Saturday, November 8, 2008

Top 5 Things I Would Do If I Ruled the World

If I ruled the world, I would not make every day the first day of spring. No, my friends, I have much bigger fish to fry. Here's the Top 5 Things I Would Do If I Ruled the World.

5. Create a government-sponsored program to educate children about the dangers of listening or watching Dane Cook.
4. Create a Flag of Planet Earth and put the Bat-symbol squarely in the center. Our national anthem is the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica.
3. Decree that no professional athlete may make more money than the lowest-paid educator in their team's city. This way I can use the concentrated whining of the world's spoiled sports stars as a tool for practical education reform. And stick it to Terrell Owens.
2. Have authority to cancel TV shows that I deem "too stupid for human consumption". MTV's lifespan is limited. Seriously, they'd better start playing Daria again or they're finished. I would not, of course, be able to limit people's free speech, unless they choose to express themselves through bad TV.
1. Ban Pan-and-Scanning Movies. That's right, no more fullscreen copies of theatrical films. No more ruining works of film so that they fit on somebody's outdated TV screen. It pisses the hell out of me and I'm tired of dealing with people's ignorance. If you want to watch a movie, you're going to have to watch the movie the way it was meant to be seen. Also, on that note, I would force George Lucas to release a quality remastered print of the ORIGINAL, UNALTERED Star Wars Trilogy. Or else I will, as Patton Oswalt says, kill him with a shovel.

With my platform clearly outlined, I now announce my candidacy for Ruthless Dictator of Earth. Vote for me!


David L said...

Hey careful, I've been planning world domination my entire life. I'm not about to let you mess it up.


5. Deport Carlos Mencia
You know why, I know why. On that note, I'd make there be at the very least a fine for stealing another comedian's material if that material can be proven stolen.
4. Require Modern Rock Guitarists To Do An Upstroke Every Now And Then
Seriously, quite with the never ending downstrokes! I mean REAL downstrokes! It sounds like your playing a melodic jackhammer! (Don't know what I'm talking about? Listen to the verses of Face Down by RJA or the chorus of Check Yes Juliet.)
3. Put A Cap On How Much Someone Can Spend On Guitar Hero And Similar Games
Seriously, with the money people spent on GH and Rock Band people could have bought a friggen Les Paul with about a years worth of lessons. Get your priorities in order, dammit!
2. Cancel MTV Unless The Music Videos Take Back Over The Channel
That is all. Also, no crappy videos. Tom Petty once said they wouldn't allow a video of his to be played because it showed musicians playing. Seriously.
1. Bring Back A Slew Of Canceled TV Shows
This includes Firefly and Arrested Development (They made a huge mistake).

At least, those are the ones I'm willing to reveal now. Maybe I should make a blog about things I'd do if I ruled the world...

Also, I'm not surprised about the pan-and-scan. Dylan is to full screen as Al Gore is to Global Warming. Here's an idea: made a slideshow!

David L said...

Yeah, I just did.

Mike! said...

@ #2: Bring back Beavis and Butthead and Clone High, and I'm with you all the way.

rrrrrreooow! said...

As long as you rule it from a throne made out of soap. I'm with you as well if you do this. Also, official song must be Viva la Vida, with that attitude.

Anonymous said...

Spencer showed me, for the first time, the end of episode six super extra ed. where Hayden Christensen has replaced the original dude that played Darth. And I was super pissed.