If I ruled the world, I would not make every day the first day of spring. No, my friends, I have much bigger fish to fry. Here's the Top 5 Things I Would Do If I Ruled the World.
5. Create a government-sponsored program to educate children about the dangers of listening or watching Dane Cook.
4. Create a Flag of Planet Earth and put the Bat-symbol squarely in the center. Our national anthem is the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica.
3. Decree that no professional athlete may make more money than the lowest-paid educator in their team's city. This way I can use the concentrated whining of the world's spoiled sports stars as a tool for practical education reform. And stick it to Terrell Owens.
2. Have authority to cancel TV shows that I deem "too stupid for human consumption". MTV's lifespan is limited. Seriously, they'd better start playing Daria again or they're finished. I would not, of course, be able to limit people's free speech, unless they choose to express themselves through bad TV.
1. Ban Pan-and-Scanning Movies. That's right, no more fullscreen copies of theatrical films. No more ruining works of film so that they fit on somebody's outdated TV screen. It pisses the hell out of me and I'm tired of dealing with people's ignorance. If you want to watch a movie, you're going to have to watch the movie the way it was meant to be seen. Also, on that note, I would force George Lucas to release a quality remastered print of the ORIGINAL, UNALTERED Star Wars Trilogy. Or else I will, as Patton Oswalt says, kill him with a shovel.
With my platform clearly outlined, I now announce my candidacy for Ruthless Dictator of Earth. Vote for me!