Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Top 5 Cartoon Cliches We'd Like to do in Real Life (Guest Starring Mike Pfeiffer)

Today's Top 5 is something a little different. As I mentioned in the afterword for yesterday's list, I'm hope for the weekend, which means I have access to certain resources I am otherwise forced to work without. Tonight, Special Guest Star Mike Pfeiffer(!) helps me compile this list. (NOTE: We just watched The Mask, so that's where the idea comes from.)

5. "Don't Look Down" Syndrome - It's interesting to note that in cartoon cliché, the idea is that whatever the funniest thing that can happen in a given situation is the one that will happen, even if, nay, especially if it defies the laws of physics. "Don't Look Down" Syndrome is our name for the ability to shatter reality by ignoring it. Whether that means surviving a dynamite blast by making a witty comeback (even if it's out of the back or side of your head) or refusing to fall off a cliff simply by looking straight ahead, in the cartoon world, ignorance is bliss.

4. Rubber Band Body - The human body's capacity for bouncing off the walls is, unfortunately, very limited. Neither you, nor, in most cases, the walls, have that much elasticity, so you don't get great results, and persisting in bouncing off walls will likely lead to being relocated to a place where the walls are padded. (However, as Kel Mitchell's Ed in Goodburger discovered, this is actually a step in the right direction for the avid wall-bouncer.) With the ability not only to bounce off of surfaces like a rubber ball Daffy Duck-style, the cartoon classic Rubber Band Body also allows one to dodge bullets or let your tounge fall to the ground watching a pretty lady get out of a taxi and lead it to being caught in the door and pulled away, leaving you dazed and oblivious until the suspense has reached its optimum funny output and you get snapped back.
Mike Pfeiffer's theorum of Cartoon Funny: Comedy = (Amt. Bodily Harm Caused) x (Time Spent Anticipating Bodily Harm Caused) + (Attractiveness of LAAADeeeee inadvertantly responsible and/or oblivious to Bodily Harm) / (Wryness of Comeback Afterwards). The goal is for the equation to equal 1.

3. Automatic Soundtrack - I don't know know if it's a problem for you, but it's really hard to maintain a conversation while singing your own soundtrack. How long have you waited for a private sensual moment to be accentuated by a muted trumpet? How many of your trumpet-playing friends are tired of being petitioned to hiding in your closets during a rendez-vous? How many of your trumpet-playing friends have started to creep you out for acquiescing to this request too often, or even asking you not-so-subtly when next his services will be required? I know this is a problem for me. (Pfeiffer still calls me often to coda his disappointing moments on trombone with a descending "bwaah bwaah bwaaah".) What if, by some freak of non-science (read: nonsense) you could summon an invisible, intangible omnicient 40-piece orchestra to react to and anticipate your every comedic whim? This solves everything.

2. Fourth Wall Breakage - It's about time we start acknowledging the secret audience of each of our lives. Why should that little pissant Frankie Muniz get to do this and not me? That way, I can at least pretend that someone interested is listening when I talk to myself. (Not to say that I'm not interested in what I have to say. I do publish a daily blog of my opinions and actually expect people to read it. T5E may in fact be the closest I'll ever get to 4th wall acknowledgement.)

1. "Hammer Space" - The lesser-known half of the Hammer-Time/Hammer-Space Continuum. Hammer Space, like Hammer Time, is potentially infinite and went of style in the late 80s. Imagine, if you will, a pocket so deep that it contains every possible funny object that could be used in any scenario, yet still appears, from the outside, to be flush with your pant leg. (Or fur, if you're an anthropomorchic rabbit.) Named for the funniest of all objects that can be retrieved from Hammer Space (called Mallet-Space in some circles), it allows for the existence of spontaneous prop gags that even the Who's Line? gang could antipate. Playing cards? Go fish! History quiz? Pocket Lincoln! Lost your pencil? Too bad, that's not funny. Pfeiffer was quick to point out that these pockets may also provide an endless supply of lingerié that would distract authority figures (hunters, hungry cats) and make even J. Edgar Hoover blush.

Catch you guys tomorrow, when I more-than-likely count down top "Top 5 Foods I Ate Too Much of This Afternoon". (Pfeiffer suggests "Top 5 Holiday Cop-Outs") Also, we'd like to thank the two people who got the J. Edgar Hoover joke.


rrrrrreooow! said...

I wish I were hope for this weekend. I wonder if hope is anything like home. I'm guessing not.

Also, nearly a Pirates quote in there. Don't think you can hide it... I can smell one from a mile away.

To actually be relevant, and not make fun of you, I liked this topic. It was quite original. Good job, the pair of you.

Mike! said...

I am "proud" to be one of those two people.
[Nixon's Head] I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle!
And nothin' gets past you, Dar. [rolls eyes]

David L said...

I am the other of the two people that got the J. Edgar Hoover joke!
Ah, Goodburger. Good times.
I actually break the fourth wall all the time. In fact, I'm doing it right now. You can't tell because I only broke a small part of the fourth wall. Subtlety, my friend.
Also, I refute that formula. The wryness is an exponent.